you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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