I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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