theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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