Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
