so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
