The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
