Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
They took my balls.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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