Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
