the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If I die, sorry about rent.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
