It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
