my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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