will power is for people who don't want to get laid
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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