Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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