Your face is a jimmy john
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The ass gains better be worth it
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