my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
