Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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