I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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