I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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