I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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