dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
