How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
