You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
