No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
sarcasm needs its own font
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
