Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
