I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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