Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
