Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
