I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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