I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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