My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
