i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
