can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
