the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
