my phone needs a breathalizer
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
