Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
