I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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