I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
