We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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