Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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