i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
