I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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