As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
