im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
