Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
