Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
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