I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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