$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
