Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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