battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
