I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize