It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
