I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
