shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
