The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize