She announced her abortion via fbk
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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