If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
