i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
All I want is dick and wine.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize