fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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