I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize