if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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