I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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