His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
