So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
