The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize