Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
