I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
