My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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