If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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