i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I don't deserve a penis
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
