a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
