I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
