she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
