i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
