my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize