Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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