i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
