What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
