what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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