someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
