This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just want nice things and good sex
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
