Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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