I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
