Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
