You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
